Erected by myself
Who will write the epitaph for your gravestone?
I’m currently recovering from an epic trip to Atlanta where I had the opportunity to spend tons of time at one of my favorite places in the world, Oakland Cemetery. Even better, I was able to hang out there at night during their arts event Illumine.
I’m hoping to report on more from my trip, but for now, I wanted to talk a little bit about epitaphs on gravestones. These are short phrases that speak to the memory of the deceased.
While I was traveling, I enjoyed a great exchange with a reader, who shared a story about the care he and his relatives put into deciding on an appropriate epitaph for their loved one, and while I was at Oakland, I was reminded of a pair of gravestones that I always like to point out. The husband’s stone has this epitaph: “Erected by his devoted wife Jennie H. Absent but not forgotten.” Her stone says only, “Erected by myself” and lists the year, 1906, that the monument was established (she died in 1910). I love the independence inherent in her phrasing, especially for a woman in that time period.
There’s another pair of epitaphs for a husband and wife in Oakland, probably the most well known, where the wife’s epitaph is derived from Edna St. Vincent Millay’s poem First Fig, “she burned her candle at both ends, but it made a lovely light,” while the husband’s is attributed to one of his wife’s relatives (apparently he’d had a falling out with her family): “he was a fool, but Julia loved him.”
What would you want on your tombstone? (And for all my fellow 90s kids, I’m looking for an answer other than pepperoni and cheese.)
I've joked for years now that it should say "Nice guy. Not too bright." Ultimately, though, I suspect it'll say whatever culturally competent comforting thing the people who I leave behind decide it should say. My mother's grave simply has our surname on one side and then her full married name & the dates that describe the envelope of her existence on the other. When my father goes, he plans to follow suit.
I suppose it's possible, given that I have no descendants (and don't plan to have any), I may end up also interred there, at which point I'd imagine my name and dates would join theirs, which isn't the worst thing. It's a lovely cemetery on the shore of a pretty little lake, and I've spent plenty of time there while alive.
Lol, the one about he was a fool made me laugh!!! This is great, the picture with the lights looks really neat!